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urine and the american dream

08 April 2011

The American dream is not just a stuccoed home in the suburbs with four bedrooms and 3.5 baths and granite countertops in the kitchen. An integral part of this vision is a verdant, emerald-green lawn, flawlessly shining like the Mogul Emerald.

Puppies–like mortgage crises and high interest rates–can easily derail this fantasy.

Let’s travel back to middle school.

Starts with Biology

“Good morning class, today we’re going to finish our discussion of human anatomy with the excretory system that our bodies use to produce and expel urine.”

How many times has this introduction been delivered in an American school? In fact, OD studied (for the second time in 3 years) the urinary tract just last month.

People who love green lawns, and who aspire to own a puppy should consider urine before deciding what they’re going to adopt into the home. Their decision has long-lasting implications.

Boys are Better

When it comes to green lawns, boys are simply better.

If you want your lawn to remain relatively unscathed, get a boy puppy. If you want a lawn pockmarked with destruction, get a girl. Girl puppies ruin lawns. Blame it on their urinary tract.

The reason is pretty simple. The urine of both male and female puppies is similar in acidity and nitrogen content. The variable that matters is distribution technique.

Girls create more lawn damage because they release the contents of their bladder in one small area, thus concentrating the impact. Boy dogs spray a far larger area because they urinate like drunken fraternity brothers, aiming wildly, if at all.

Cruise Missiles or Carpet Bombing

Speaking militarily, although the payload is more or less the same, the delivery mechanism differs. Girl dogs urinate with the precision of cruise missiles while boy dogs urinate like carpet bombers over Vietnam.

From A to B in 300 Pees

Below is a Before and After representation of what’s happened to our back yard courtesy of our great dane puppy Luna:

A: Before Urine Began to Fall from the Heaven

a lovely and innocent green lawn

a lovely and innocent green lawn

B: Effects of Operation Shock and Paw Spread

Girl dogs make brown spots on the lawn

après le deluge

It isn’t pretty but the damage, fortunately, also isn’t irreversible. Below are suggested remedies that work for some (emphasis added) people. I think we’ll start with the first one and hope it works for us.

  • Water the grass immediately after your puppy urinates.
  • Teach your puppy to urinate on a bed of straw or a dirt part of your yard.
  • Add 1/4 cup of tomato juice to your puppy’s food 1x/day. (You should probably talk to your vet about this before your start).

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